I met with my psychiatrist today (Tuesday, September 8, 2020) and we have a back-to-work plan for a staged return to work. As I write this I have not talked to the insurance company people so I don’t know if the work plan will be accepted or not. I suspect it will be accepted, if for no other reason than I can’t imagine why it wouldn’t, but this is part of the whole unknown voyage I’m on.
I’d say I don’t know how I feel about this but that wouldn’t be completely true. It might be better to say I don’t know all I feel about it. Some of the things I feel are apprehension, some fear, lots of worry, a bit of excitement, trepidation, . . . those are what come to mind first. I am grateful I don’t feel terror or dread at the thought of going back to work. I am looking forward to seeing, if only via Zoom, my coworkers. I like the people I work with, they are some of the best people I know. I think some of my trepidation comes from a fear of disappointing them. I don’t like disappointing people, especially people I like and value.
I am also worried about going back too soon. I honestly don’t know how I would feel if after a couple of weeks of increasing work time it became obvious I came back too early. Would I be able to admit it to myself? If I could admit it to myself, would I be able to go to my doctor, my team lead, my work and say, “Sorry, but it looks like I need more time.” That would be very hard for me to do. Part of me doesn’t think I would be able to do it at all. But there was a very large part of me that not that long ago wouldn’t have admitted I needed time off, let alone asked for it for something as “trivial” as stress.
It seems all there is to do is to try . . . and that I can do. I will be depending on the goodwill, compassion, and care of the people around me to help me make this work. I will do my best to push down the anxiety that makes me expect the worst from myself and fears the worst from others even in the face of considerable evidence to the contrary.
Disclaimer: not sure if this is actually a disclaimer or not but if you would prefer to only get notification when a sermon is posted, let me know and I’ll see if I can figure out some way to make that happen. Your alternative is to make a rule in your email app to delete anything from me that has “Stress Leave” in the title which should accomplish the same thing.
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